As I sat in bed trying to think of the best way to introduce not only myself, but what I hope to accomplish by bringing you on this journey with me – all I could think about was Donuts.

Yes, DONUTS!

Round, deep fried, delicious circle of life that is found EVERYWHERE. So popular in American culture that there are a chain of stores dedicated to mass producing them. So much so that they have made it socially acceptable to supplement your donut fix with a cup of coffee and call it BREAKFAST. If you know me personally, chances are you can probably count on one hand how many times you have witnessed me eat a donut, because it is a rare moment. Why?

One does not simply eat one donut!

The first donut is a tease, second donut it starts to get a bit more satisfying, by the third and fourth I am thinking of the gaping hole in my stomach that can only be filled by more donuts. Finally, I am just left with donut guilt and insatiable hunger. As a result, I just don’t eat donuts. I say “no, thank you” when people bring them to work. I pretend they do not exist when I stop at Dunkin Donuts to order my coffee. I ignore the strange look the attendants at 7-Eleven give me when I decline the free donut from the display case because of whatever promotion they have going on. I once lived with someone long enough for one of my donut binges to be witnessed and as a nice gesture and/or a passive aggressive attempt at torture left me a donut in the microwave every morning for me to take on my way to work. Sounds sweet right? Did I mention the part where I was on a serious diet at the time and trying to lose weight?

Not today, Satan – not today.

Why donuts? Well, I was raised by a cop. You may laugh or think “that’s a load of crap and so stereotypical”, but listen for a minute… or continue to peer over this with curious eyes. Growing up, my dad would stop at Dunkin Donuts with me before or after school and the Dunkin near the house would give us loads of free donuts. We had donuts for days in my house. What the hell else was I supposed to do but eat the suckers? I guess we can call it comfort food. Comfort food is always part of the problem, not the solution.

My own personal struggle with my weight has been a lifelong issue. I come from a family where eating is encouraged – plates are loaded with carbs, fried meats, bread.. there is always lots of bread. I think I covered that when I said carbs. Growing up, I was never a picky eater. My mom would pride herself on my “healthy” appetite. That is, until I got older and started to fill out more than my family would have liked. Now let me tell you, in my family, people are not afraid to throw around the “F” word. You walk into a family reunion and before you can even get out the hello’s you can bet your ass someone will say

“When did you get so fat?!”

At that point all I can really muster is a polite smile while simultaneously resisting the urge to make a snide remark.

It will come as no surprise to you that by 8th grade my doctor put me on a diet. By the time high school began, I barely recognized myself. I was ecstatic and so proud. Little did I know, the weight would come creeping back and I would eventually become a yo-yo dieter.

Need some information about the Atkins Diet? I got you! South Beach Diet? I’ll do you a better one and loan you my book! Mediterranean Diet? One of my faves! Oh, you would like to put your body in to a state of ketosis? Have a seat, dear. Let’s have a chat! Weight Watchers? Let’s compare points! Wow, you’re Vegan? Vegetarian? Pescatarian? Let’s share recipes! You wanna know about that diet Beyonce went on for that movie? Oh, you mean the Master Cleanse. You name it, chances are I have done it at some point or another. Some have yielded little to no results, while others provided some short term results and lots of crankiness, confusion about the recipes, or just plain hunger.

The one thing I can genuinely tell you has ever worked for me (at age 24) and gave me the best results of my life… wait for it, this is going to come as a shocker to some of you.

DRUMROLL PLEASE

Good, old fashioned healthy eating and exercise! I lost nearly 60 pounds this way and looked and felt better than ever. I was at a healthy BMI, had lots of energy, and I felt damn good about myself for finally accomplishing what I had been chasing after what felt like, almost my entire life. After all the hard work, dedication, careful planning, smoothie making, meal prepping, and time invested into the gym I was comfortable with my weight. I was working on toning my body and made great food decisions without starving myself. That comfort eventually became a little too comfortable and like most great things in life you have to keep working at it or it slips through your fingers. I stopped, a few years passed, and it all came back. Now I am back at square one and I can sit here and list the million reasons why I can’t get myself motivated again, but then we would be here forever and I am starting to get hungry.

I am no longer 24 years old with a part time job and all this extra time to spend at the gym. I am 30 years old working a full time job, raising an 8 year old, two dogs, a cat, and I barely have time to cook let alone breathe.

I am a former fit girl.

I lost my way, my spark, my former fit girl motivation. I am ready to reclaim my old self and make her even better this time around because I have something now I didn’t have then.

Aside from my newfound awareness that I am a donut binger.

I have experience. I know what does and does not work for me. I know that I hate crash diets. I know that juicing isn’t a substitute for real food, but a great supplement to a healthy eating lifestyle. I know I feel like crap when I eat too much meat and a plant based diet works for me. I also know that I can still appreciate a good medium rare steak from time to time. Like many of you I am not ready to give up all my favorite foods, but I am willing to try and cut back and find my perfect balance so I can feel good about my health again.

Join me as I stumble through the world like Bambi trying to not fall off the wagon again, one kale chip at a time.